Dear Jonnie

I’m an advice guy. On occasion I enjoy doling out advice to those who may seek it. You know, whatever I can do to help.

So recently I have received an unusual amount of emails asking advice, as if I was running an advice column on my Tortured Fans Blog©. So I figured, “what they hay,” lets use this forum to address some of the concerns of these troubled individuals who may or may not be affiliated with a professional sports team in Cleveland. I will only use the first initial of the last name to protect the identities of the advice subjects.

Keep in mind, I am NOT a trained professional and cannot be held responsible any unpleasantness or lawsuits that result from my responses.

Lets go to the first letter:

Dear Jonnie,

I have consistently performed very well at my job, however lately I feel my bosses are relying way too much on my ability to carry my worthless coworkers’ slack. I’m exhausted from carrying the load for so long and sometimes just want to curl up in the fetal position on my couch and cry.

Needing Help in C-town,

LeBron J.

Dear LeBron J.,

many of us have felt the way you feel. Unfortunately, those who perform well at their jobs are often susceptible to being taken advantage of by their superiors. I suggest you relate your feelings to your boss and maybe he can motivate your co-workers to perform up to par. Other things that may be helpful include a motivational speaker, or in worst case scenario, the use of a cattle prod.

Keep your head up LeBron J. brighter days are ahead!

here’s another one…

Dear Jonnie,

I’m in my first year at my job and feel woefully overwhelmed. I “manage” 15 guys, very few of which have any respect for me. Some say I am in way over my head, but I don’t want to just quit. That would mean admitting failure and I don’t think I’m prepared to do that. Please help!

sincerely,

Mike B.

Dear Mike B.,

sounds like quit a pickle you have yourself in there. Maybe you just need to be more assertive. In times of adversity, subordinates need to see the boss with a calm look of confident determination, rather than deer in the headlights. Perhaps your lack of confidence and qualifications are manifesting by your actions, or lack there of. Show your employees that you actually “have a pair” and maybe the respect will come!

This isn’t so hard, I like helping people! Lets do another..

Dear Jonnie,

I recently relocated to the Cleveland area for a lucrative new job, unfortunately my new employers were blinded by my last high profile job and thought I had more than just one discernable skill. Lately, however, I haven’t even been performing that one skill all that well. People have really started to get on me, and my cartoonish tomfoolery act is just annoying people, rather than masking my deficiencies. What to do?

Damon J.

Dear Damon J.

Maybe you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself if you are truly earning this lucrative paycheck you speak of, or just stealing money. Perhaps taking a pay-cut will not only lower unrealistic expectations that have been placed upon you, and maybe even help you sleep better at night. We all need a clear conscience. Good luck with that!

Okay, I got time for one more. I really hope I’m making a positive impact on these people’s lives!

Dear Jonnie,

Lately I’ve been having trouble staying motivated. Sometimes I go to work and perform very well. Other times I find myself drifting off and thinking about other things, like music videos, video games, what type of cereal I’m going to eat the next morning. It can be really troublesome and my team, err, co-workers get mad at me.

Drew G.

Dear Drew G.

Perhaps you have a psychological condition, such as Attention Deficit Disorder? Either way you should get it checked out before you continue to let the people around you down. Nobody likes a loafer.

So there you have it folks. Hopefully if we get some successes, we can make the “Dear Jonnie” column a regular feature on the World’s Most Tortured Fans© site.