Waking up from an 8-year nap

I got a little emotional tonight, yes I can admit it.

It is so difficult to believe the Cavs are going back to the playoffs. Three years ago this was a dead franchise. A 17-65 record, five years removed from their last playoff appearance. Imagine if we had not landed that fateful ping pong ball.

Professional sports hasn't been kind to us Clevelanders lately. Well, actually ever, at least in my lifetime. But there is something different about LeBron James. I'm not saying it is going to happen this year, next year, or even ever. But for the first time, I can actually envision a Cleveland team winning it all.

I know the Indians had a couple nice runs in the 90's and the Browns came close in the late 80's. But it always seemed like a fantasy to actually WIN IT ALL. Even when the Indians were excruciatingly close in '97. I still felt like I had to see it to believe it.

I realize I'm contradicting a previous post comparing LeBron to Dwyane Wade. I still think Wade is the real deal. But I have to keep reminding myself LeBron is ONLY 21 years old. Expectations have been elevated to levels never before seen for a Cleveland athlete. He is averaging over 30 points a game and is directly responsible for the Cavs increasing their win total from 17 to 42 (and counting) in just three seasons.

Plus, his performance against the 54-win Mavericks tonight was truly something special. He has really shown something these last two weeks.

With LeBron, I can just envision him standing on the scores table, arms raised triumphantly as Kool and the Gang's "Celebration" blares from the Quicken Loans Arena PA system. I can see him hoisting the championship trophy over his head as the crowd roars.

You probably have to go back to Jim Brown to find that last time a Cleveland team had the greatest player in the league. I'm not saying LeBron is the best right now, but he's damn close. And we all know how the Jim Brown thing turned out.

BRING ON THE PLAYOFFS!

Pineapple tidbits..

- I'm was so happy to see George Mason University defeat UConn today, and not because they are an 11 seed, but because I could literally hear the groans of thousands of people who lost countless amounts of money in their brackets pools due to the Huskies ouster. And yes, I'm still bitter I took Duke.

- What the hell is wrong with baseball. Can somebody tell me why the Indians are playing a "so meaningless its cooky" exhibition game against the Cincinnati Redlegs, THE DAY BEFORE they open the REAL season against the White Sox on opening night? They can't get one stinking day to rest from Spring Training and mentally prepare for the season?

- Vibe magazine has a feature called "10 Things I've Learned" in which they feature a different celebrity each month. In this month's edition, flabby, I mean heavyweight boxer James Toney is feature. Here is # 2 on Toney's list:

"Black is beautiful. That's why white women wanna fuck us, and white men wanna dress and sing like us."

And just a reminder, here is the most inflammatory quote from Sports Illustrated's piece on John Rocker back in 1999. The article that pretty much ended Rocker's career.

"On ever playing for a New York team: "I would retire first. It's the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the [Number] 7 train to the ballpark, looking like you're [riding through] Beirut next to some kid with purple hair next to some queer with AIDS right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It's depressing."

I am, by no means, saying Rocker was right or justified in his diatribe. I'm merely pointing out the parallels and the different reaction each will receive, or in Toney's case, lack of reaction.

- Can somebody tell me why the words "Cleveland State University" were painted on the floor of the Quicken Loans Arena for the women's NCAA tournament? Have the Vikings ever played a game in the Gund/Q?

- Here's something that has been bothering me, but I did not want to say anything. Tennessee LADY Volunteer point guard Alexis Hornbuckle broke her wrist late in the season, yet after missing less than 10 games, she returned to play in the NCAA Tournament. Jerry Rice once tore the ACL in his knee, and actually returned the same season.

So why is it Cavs guard Larry "cotton ball" Hughes is set to miss some 54 games, the final four months of the season, because of one little brokey fingey? I realize they had to perform a second surgery, but that was six freaking weeks ago! Is he collecting workman's comp or something?

The way I see it, Mike Brown and team management have two choices at this point:

1. Throw a jersey at him and vehemently encourage him to stop acting like a particular part of the female anatomy, or..

2. Make him wear a prom dress as he sits on the bench the rest of the season.

Fantasyland

Here's a rule to live by - never trust a sportswriter who wears a ball cap backwards for his column mugshot.

Such is the case with CBS Sportsline.com's renegade baseball writer Eric Mack. I have to be honest and say I had never heard of this loose cannon, Eric Mack before I saw his latest MLB Power Rankings posted on the website. Lets just say I can't believe the Flava he's kickin in my ear.

Mack has the Indians ranked THIRD out of the 30 major league teams, behind only the White Sox and St. Louis Cardinals.

Now there is not one person on this earth who would love to believe the Tribe is that good more than me, but lets be serious. An Indians team that failed to make the playoffs last year when literally everything that could have gone right did. All 5 starters stayed healthy the WHOLE season - which happens about never. Two rookies, Peralta and Sizemore, step in and become studs. No significant injuries period?

Now they have dismantled the best bullpen in the league and let the ERA leader walk and replaced him with an injury prone journeyman. THIS is the third best team in baseball?

With Coco Crisp, Manny Ramirez, Papi Ortiz and Jason Varitek in their lineup, the Red Sox could win 80-85 games with the Akron Aeros pitching staff. So what will they do with Josh Beckett and the boys? Yet Mack only has them fifth.

You know whats going on here? Every year we are completely inundated with preseason projections, predictions and power rankings. By September, does anybody really remember who picked what? I think these writers actually just go for shock value at this point, anything to set them apart from the herd.

That could be the only explanation for the wild, wacky line of stuff Eric Mack is feeding us.

My own personal March Madness..

The NCAA basketball tournament - The only thing that can make a grown man shout obsenities at the television during a game between the University of Montana and the University of Nevada.

Last year, I did not fill out any brackets. Not for an office pool, not for any website "challenge;" none. It was the first time since, well maybe ever for me. But here is the funny thing. I don't think I ever enjoyed a tournament more.

This year has been an absolute nightmare. I started out 15 for 16 in one of my ESPN bracket challenge brackets. By the next morning I had already mentally spent about 95% of the $10,000 prize money the overall winner is to receive.

And then day two. Lets just say I'm not very concerned about that ten grand anymore.

I hate the fact I couldn't truly enjoy George Mason's stunning victory over North Carolina, because I had UNC going to the Elite Eight. I mean who would've thought the defending national champions would lose to just one guy? That George must have some SERIOUS game.

Oh yeah, and If I happen to see the Tennessee head coach, Bruce Pearl on the street, there is going to be some unpleasantries exchanged.

Here's another thing, what the hell happened to the selection committee this year? I depended on them, mainly because I had not watched on full men's college basketball game all year. I assumed when I see a little "2" by Ohio State's name, that they were a GOOD team? After alleged seventh-seed Georgetown got done toying with them for 40 minutes, the Buckeyes looked more like a nine-seed to me.

Tennessee hardly represented the two-seed any better. After escaping some school called Winthrop with a freakishly miraculous shot, they crapped the bed against the perennial national power, Wichita State. I still could not tell you what Wichita State's mascot is.

As it stands, I have two options next year.

1. Do NOT fill out any brackets and just enjoy the games and root for underdogs, or..

2. Follow some freaking college basketball.

Who's on First?

Here is the last names of the Korean starting batting lineup in tonight's World Baseball Classic game against Japan.

Lee, Lee, Lee, Choi, Lee, Lee, Park, Cho and Kim.

In the 7th inning, Kim pinch hit for Choi, making the order:

Lee, Lee, Lee, Kim, Lee, Lee, Park, Cho and Kim.

Oh yeah, and after Kim walked in place of Choi, he was pinch run for by, you guessed it, KIM! So the lineup remained.

In the 9th inning, Park pinch hit for Kim, now making the lineup:

Lee, Lee, Lee, Park, Lee, Lee, Park, Cho and Kim.

Just for frame of reference, if that were an American lineup, the batting order would look something like this:

1. Smith
2. Smith
3. Smith
4. Jones
5. Smith
6. Smith
7. Jones
8. Davis
9. Clark

And if you thought we couldn't possibly have any more fun with this. The starting pitcher for the Koreans? PARK! who was relieved by Jun and then relieved by KIM!!

Where are Abbot and Costello when you NEED them!!

More Browns..

Just a couple additions to the last post regarding the Browns' free agent signings:

1. Its just so nice to see the Browns place a priority on the offensive line for the first time since I was a kid during the Marty Schottenheimer era. Quarterbacks getting crushed and running backs struggling for two-yard gains have become all-too-familiar sights for the Browns. Maybe they are really starting to "get it."

2. The Browns went on to add DT Ted Washington and punter Dave Zastudil to complete the weekend.

I love the Zastudil signing. Another local product and as much as I had fallen in love with the Kyle Richardson "7-yard special," its time to bring in a real punter.

I'm not triumphantly sprinting through the streets clothed only with an American flag over the Washington signing. I realize he's better than a middle-aged former baseball player, or whoever that Fisk guy we had last year was. But what is the shelf life for 370-pound defensive tackles? Isn't WAshington, soon to be 38-years-old, already playing on borrowed time?

Whats more, if they add 34-year-old DE Willie McGinest to the mix, (a very real possibility) then the team will be forced to carry a full-time AARP rep on the payroll.

But alas, I'm not complaining. Phil Savage has already made this an 8-win team, and that is before the draft. Speaking of which, how many hours until the draft?

A Wild, Savage beast

March 11, 2006. A day that will forever live in infamy - at least to Cleveland Browns fans!

Browns general manager, Phil "almost fired" Savage made his move in what may be the defining offseason of his career today with an all-out assault on the free agent market.

The Browns simply treated the free agent market like an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet Saturday, nabbing two large helpings of offensive lineman and a side of veteran receiver.

The best part, both guard LeCharles Bentley and receiver Joe Jurevicius are local products, happy to be coming home.

"I can die happy now," Bentley said. "This has been my dream."

Now honestly, have you ever heard something like that coming out of a professional athlete who just signed with a Cleveland team? I officially have a man-crush on Bentley.

You have to give Savage and Lerner credit today. Lerner because unlike Larry Dolan, he is willing to spend the money to acquire the players needed to be successful. Savage, because despite having money to play with, he allocated it wisely, unlike Cavs GM Danny Ferry's wild spending spree that resulted in a washed up Donyell Marshall and an overrated Damon Jones. Both of which were overpaid.

So what's next for the Browns? They need to get Kellen Winslow and Braylon Edwards healthy, and draft some impact defensive players. A defensive tackle in the first round and the best available linebacker in round two would be wise.

Things are finally starting to look up for us Browns fans, for the first time since the Butchered Davis era mercifully came to a close.

Phil Savage, if you happen to be reading this, I am only giving you two large thumbs up because I don't have three!

Dear Jonnie

I’m an advice guy. On occasion I enjoy doling out advice to those who may seek it. You know, whatever I can do to help.

So recently I have received an unusual amount of emails asking advice, as if I was running an advice column on my Tortured Fans Blog©. So I figured, “what they hay,” lets use this forum to address some of the concerns of these troubled individuals who may or may not be affiliated with a professional sports team in Cleveland. I will only use the first initial of the last name to protect the identities of the advice subjects.

Keep in mind, I am NOT a trained professional and cannot be held responsible any unpleasantness or lawsuits that result from my responses.

Lets go to the first letter:

Dear Jonnie,

I have consistently performed very well at my job, however lately I feel my bosses are relying way too much on my ability to carry my worthless coworkers’ slack. I’m exhausted from carrying the load for so long and sometimes just want to curl up in the fetal position on my couch and cry.

Needing Help in C-town,

LeBron J.

Dear LeBron J.,

many of us have felt the way you feel. Unfortunately, those who perform well at their jobs are often susceptible to being taken advantage of by their superiors. I suggest you relate your feelings to your boss and maybe he can motivate your co-workers to perform up to par. Other things that may be helpful include a motivational speaker, or in worst case scenario, the use of a cattle prod.

Keep your head up LeBron J. brighter days are ahead!

here’s another one…

Dear Jonnie,

I’m in my first year at my job and feel woefully overwhelmed. I “manage” 15 guys, very few of which have any respect for me. Some say I am in way over my head, but I don’t want to just quit. That would mean admitting failure and I don’t think I’m prepared to do that. Please help!

sincerely,

Mike B.

Dear Mike B.,

sounds like quit a pickle you have yourself in there. Maybe you just need to be more assertive. In times of adversity, subordinates need to see the boss with a calm look of confident determination, rather than deer in the headlights. Perhaps your lack of confidence and qualifications are manifesting by your actions, or lack there of. Show your employees that you actually “have a pair” and maybe the respect will come!

This isn’t so hard, I like helping people! Lets do another..

Dear Jonnie,

I recently relocated to the Cleveland area for a lucrative new job, unfortunately my new employers were blinded by my last high profile job and thought I had more than just one discernable skill. Lately, however, I haven’t even been performing that one skill all that well. People have really started to get on me, and my cartoonish tomfoolery act is just annoying people, rather than masking my deficiencies. What to do?

Damon J.

Dear Damon J.

Maybe you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself if you are truly earning this lucrative paycheck you speak of, or just stealing money. Perhaps taking a pay-cut will not only lower unrealistic expectations that have been placed upon you, and maybe even help you sleep better at night. We all need a clear conscience. Good luck with that!

Okay, I got time for one more. I really hope I’m making a positive impact on these people’s lives!

Dear Jonnie,

Lately I’ve been having trouble staying motivated. Sometimes I go to work and perform very well. Other times I find myself drifting off and thinking about other things, like music videos, video games, what type of cereal I’m going to eat the next morning. It can be really troublesome and my team, err, co-workers get mad at me.

Drew G.

Dear Drew G.

Perhaps you have a psychological condition, such as Attention Deficit Disorder? Either way you should get it checked out before you continue to let the people around you down. Nobody likes a loafer.

So there you have it folks. Hopefully if we get some successes, we can make the “Dear Jonnie” column a regular feature on the World’s Most Tortured Fans© site.

Happy Times are here AGAIN!!

With the Cavaliers latest 4-game winning streak clicking the 2005-06 Win-o-meter up to 36, we can now put to bed the talks of choking and begin zeroing in a the rarest of occurances in the Cleveland sports world - CLINCHING A PLAYOFF BERTH!

Hey, we all know the Cavs are an obscenely flawed team. We all know a first round series win is probably best-case scenario for these guys. But dammit, I'm excited!

The 21st Century has not been kind to us "Tortured Fans." Our last, and ONLY, playoff appearance came courtesy of Butchered Davis' 2002 Browns squad, who promptly crapped the bed against the Steelers. That playoff experience came and went so fast, you would've thought it was DaJuan Wagner's career.

That's the good thing about the NBA Playoffs, if and when the Cavs clinch a spot they will be guaranteed at least four games. And you know what? That is four more than we get most years.

LeBron vs. D-Wade

Before we get to the topic of this post, I wanted to issue a brief message to all the people out there drawing comparisons of Gonzaga University forward Adam Morrison to Larry Bird -- STOP!

I realize everything has to be sensationalized nowadays and every good young player in any sport has to be the next (insert name here). But has it been that long since Larry Legend retired? Are memories that short?

Larry Bird was and is one of the top five basketball players to ever live. Nothing about Adam Morrison gives me the feeling he is anywhere near that territory.

Just to reinforce my point, I have painstakingly created an exhaustive list off all the similarities I see between Morrison and Bird, listed in numerical order:

1. They are white

That about sums it up.

Now, on to more important issues. I was thinking about LeBron the other day, and suddenly I had a disturbing premonition. I ran it by my friend Ball, who is my source for all things NBA, and he was very intrigued.

I look at LeBron, and the path of his career and I look at Wade. Both players are extremely gifted physically. Both have the ability to score at will when they are "on." Both are clearly the brightest young stars in the league.

Once upon a time in the NBA two equally gifted stars came along that would change the game as we know it. Right around the time Bird and Magic were trading championships, two young studs, Michael Jordan and Dominique Wilkins burst onto the scene.

As their careers progressed, it became evident that though 'Nique would certainly capture some breathtaking highlights and post some gaudy numbers, Jordan would be the Alpha dog. Jordan would be the man with the rings. With both players retired, the championship ring count is Jordan - 6 Wilkins - 0.

Fast forward to present day, and the simlarities between Jordan/Wilkins and Wade/LeBron are stark. Unfortunately for us Cavalier fans, LeBron is not the guy that reminds me of Jordan.

Now before you toss your monitor out the window and set your couch on fire, take a look at the evidence.

LeBron and Dominique are both 6-8. LeBron plays at 240 pounds while Wilkins played at a slightly trimmer 230.

Jordan was 6-6, 216 and Wade is 6-5, 212.

Now look at a brief recap of Wilkins career. He came out of college early for the NBA draft (back before high schoolers went straight to the pros). His rookie season he averaged 17.5 points. His second year he scored 21.6 a game. He quickly turned a pathetic Hawks team into a contender, leading them to a franchise record four straight 50-win seasons. He solidified his reputation as a devastating scorer and posted a 29-point effort in the 1988 All-Star game.

Any of this sound familiar?

When you watch Dwyane Wade at the end of close games, there is just something different about how he approaches things and the way LeBron does. Clevelanders will make excuses about supporting casts and age difference, but the fact is Wade is similar to Jordan in the respect when the game is on the line he is simply money. It could be one on five out there in the final minute and Wade is going to find a way to score.

With LeBron, you get fadeaway 25 footers that barely catch the front of the rim. You get out of control drives that result in turnovers. You get him passing up decent shots to dish the ball to somebody like Eric Snow. His free throw shooting is downright appalling. According to 82games.com, LeBron is shooting 59 % (32-54)from the foul line in the last five minutes of games decided by five points or less. In the same stat, Wade is hitting 85 %(33-39) of his freebies. Basically, nothing LeBron does in at the end of close games resembles Michael Jordan.

And for all those who want to play the age card, didn't Michael Jordan drain a game-winning jumper as a 18-year old freshman at the NCAA finale for North Carolina?

You either have it or you don't. Jordan had it, Wilkins didn't. Wade has it, LeBron doesn't seem to.

Now before anybody overreacts, I am in no way saying LeBron is not a fantastic ballplayer and certain lock for the Hall of Fame barring major injury. What I am saying is when it is all said and done, Mr. Wade is more likely to be the guy wearing the hardware on his fingers than James.

World Treason Classic

When examing various rosters for the World Baseball Classic I stumbled upon a troubling fact. Apparently several of our nation's own major leaguers have pulled a Benedict Arnold and jumped ship to a foreign nation!

Now I'm not talking about the Omar Vizquel's and Johan Santana's of the world. Those guys are simply playing for the country in which they were born. They only came here because of the opportunity baseball afforded them. Their situation is completely understandable.

What I am talking about are a select group of American-born players that have inexplicably chosen to shame themselves, their families and their homeland by taking up arms, or bats rather, for a foreign power.

After examing Team Netherlands roster, curiously there was St. Louis Cardinals pitcher and Illinois native Mark Mulder's name, HUH?!
Mulder was born in a city called "South Holland," so maybe it was some strange confusion, he actually thought he was born in the country of Holland?

But that doesn't explain teammates Kirk Saarloos, born in Long Beach, Calif. and David Aardsma, from the very non-Netherlands city of Denver, Colo.

It gets more disturbing when you scope the Italian roster. Mike Piazza obviously has Italian heritage, but his birthplace of Norristown, Penn. is hardly a stone's throw from Sicily. Other "Italian" players include Philadelphia native Mike DeFelice; Passaic, New Jersey's Mark DeRosa; Baton Rouge, La. native David Dellucci; and Miami, Fla. native Lenny DiNardo.

I mean, shouldn't the requirement for being added to the Italian roster be something more than having eaten at the Olive Garden? Tampa, Fla. native Matt Mantei is also on the squad. Is Mantei even an Italian name?

The big question is, why is this not a larger issue? Aren't we supposed to be a more patriotic nation since 9/11? Yet everybody is cool with American ballplayers representing foreign countries in a world tournament? Can you imagine Mark Mulder taking the hill against the U.S. in a tournament finale?

Thank goodness the military is not like this! Imagine scores of soldiers, sailors and airmen deciding the competition in the U.S. military was too great and simply fled to Canada to join their military instead. Seriously, what person not named Bill Clinton would ever considered such a thing. Yet in the World Baseball Classic, its not just accepted, its encouraged.

I guess the biggest shock is seeing Roger Clemens in an American uniform and not a Canadian. Weren't his two years with the Toronto Blue Jays enough to make him "Canadian?"

Story 'O The Year

Apparently my decision to relocate to a cave with no means of communication inadvertantly resulted in my missing perhaps one of the greatest sports stories of my lifetime.

It happened the day after Valentine's Day and I just heard about it yesterday. Nonetheless, just in case any of you are as out of the loop as I am, here is the story of Jason McElwain.

McElwain, a 17-year-old senior at Greece Athena High School in Rochester, New York, is the manager of the school's varsity basketball team - he also has autism. Diagnosed with the disease when he was 3-years-old, McElwain tried out for basketball but failed to make the team. Still wanting to be part of the team, he became the manager, a position in which he has proudly served for the last three years.

Anyways, in the model of Jack "Rudy" Ruettiger the head coach of Greece Athena decided to dress McElwain for the final game of the season with the intent of getting the young man some game action.

What started as a nice gesture, turned into arguably the most memorable, significant game of recent memory. McElwain checked in with about four minutes left, chucked an airball, then proceeded to drain SIX three-pointers and a seventh shot with his foot on the line. With the gymnasium erupting with every swish of the net, the autistic kid playing his first and last high school basketball game ever, threw in 20 points for the game - good enough to be the game's leading scorer.

Simply an unbelievably heart-warming story. You can view ESPN's excellent feature on the game here. I strongly advise anyone who has yet to see the game footage, to watch that ESPN video on that link. Its stuff like that, that remind us why we love sports and just how great they can be....even for Clevelanders.